Friday, December 19, 2008

the graduation according to jennie

act i
i wake up to find myself in the car going to auburn. oh, sure, i've been awake all morning. but not really. i look down to see what i'm wearing: a mediocre black-and-white outfit. i need winter clothes. coughChristmascough
wait. where am i going? who am i? WHAT ON EARTH AM I HERE FOR?
oh yeah. the sister is graduating. (with a bachelor's degree in apparel merchandising, btw.) from auburn university. a.k.a. the evil empire. okay.
me: "when will we get there?"
dad [groggily; checking gps]: "uh, two hours."
me: "great."
so we listen to andrew peterson and then i read my epically long, 800-something page book that i've been reading since thanksgiving break. and then we arrive. at tuberville's chizik's evil empire of doom final judgment.

act ii
i follow the sister's boyfriend and my father unit around the coliseum thing. i have no idea where i'm going, really. i'm surrounded by a confusing mass of extremely tacky orange and blue. eventually we find our seats.
we wait for about an hour and then the deans, or whatever they are, stop slacking off and start the ceremony.
me: "...roll tide..."
and then the people with doctorate's and master's degrees go up and get their diplomas. one by one. there are about 300 of them and it takes forever. but it ends. eventually.
me: "surely it's almost over. they'll just say a few nice words to the other graduates and mail their diplomas to them. or something."
but no. some other people with higher-ish degrees get their diplomas. one by one. and it lasts like an hour. and my back is hurting and stiff. and i entertain myself by taking pictures of a guy that looks like sayiid.
and then people with bachelor's degrees stand up.
and there are like 800 of them.
me: "okay. no. they are NOT going to get theirs one by one. please. for my sanity."
but they do. like 800 people line up to get their diplomas. and my sister is in the very back.
and so i sit for seriously 3 hours. and i think it'll be worth the wait if we scream really loud when the sister gets her name called out. and so we wait for 3 hours.
and we finally see her near the front of the line. i'm waiting with my finger on the video record button on my camera. i wait for her name to be called.
guy that calls out names: "ra---"
rednecks sitting beside us [screaming at some other person]: "WHOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!"
so we don't realize he had called out her name until the rednecks shut up.

act iii
so we wait for a few more people in the back to get their dumb diplomas. and it finally ends.
redneck auburn fans (a.k.a., everyone in the coliseum but us): "WUR AGLE FLY DOWWWN THUH FIEEELD EVURR TO CONKUR NEVURR TUH YEELD... [weird drunk rambling] ...GEEVE IM [HECK!] GEEVE IM [HECK!]"
and it went on and on forever and ever.

act iv
my back is really stiff and fail-ish now. but we still have to stay in the evil empire for like 3 more hours because we're eating at a really fancy italian restaurant.
so we go. and i eat a huge piece of cheesecake and feel a bit self-conscious because i scarf it down in like... 2 minutes.
and then we stay forever to wait for my dad to try to eat the rest of his ginormous salad. and he can't. so then we leave after like 3 hours. by then i'm half-asleep so i just zombie my way through the motions of talking to people.

act v
the drive home is boring, painful (my back is horrid now), and stuff. there's not enough light for me to read or draw. then i come home and i'm scarred for life.

the end.
congrats to my sister.
roll tide.

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